Doctor Robert Canardes imposed rigorous tests to study the effects of E on students.

Dangers of the use of ecstasy have been unclear until now, as Dr. Robert Canardes explains. "Ecstasy is dangerous, but not as much as analysts once believed. Our tests indicate ecstasy is riskier than marijuana, but not as dangerous as say, running face first into kitchen cutlery."

Experiments determining the severity of ecstasy use were administered to fifty college students over a four month period.

Test subject Theresa Moore comments, "Despite the aftermath of permanent clinical depression, and the chemically-induced depletion of all the natural seratonin in my bloodstream, those four months were the best times of my life."

Data revealed that petting a kitten was safer than using E, whereas popping a pill and "rolling" was a better idea than ingesting a seven-pound bag of cellulite.

"Our tests all mean something," said Canardes. "We had to establish a relative system to determine how ecstasy use compare to other daily activities, whether it be picking a scab, checking your email for porn, or taunting a lion in a suit of bacon. We did this for a reason."

Students and faculty at Bowling Green College are excited about the conclusive results.

Junior Paul Ermack said, "I'm so glad I know where my ecstasy addiction falls in relation to my daily consumption of eggs, or having rough sexual contact with sumo wrestlers. Thanks, Bowling Green!"