Why the hell am I buying this piece of crap?
Well, chances are, you have a really sick fetish or perhaps psychological disorder. Visiting pBay helps you relax; bidding on items you don't really want or need soothes you and you like the way it feels. PBay is like heroin: it's addictive and expensive. We suggest seeing a counselor if your problems continue.
How could I have possibly bid that much on something so stupid?
Stupid impulse buys are what makes PBay thrive. Your bidding on an item you don't need or want is a premeditated subconscious response predicted by the psychologists and psychiatrists who developed PBay. You shouldn't feel like you did something wrong; it was expected of you. With that in mind, keep buying that Punky Brewster memorabilia.
How can I retract a bid I placed while intoxicated?
You can't. Never, ever, ever. Not til the day you die. And even after that you still can't retract it. You obviously didn't read the User Agreement if you thought you could retract your bid. The answer is no. Plain and simple.
So I ship everything late. Why is all my feedback negative?
It's absolutely ridiculous that someone would give you bad feedback if you ship one or two weeks late. Since the anthrax outbreak mail is going slower anyway. To combat negative feedback, leave that person your own negative feedback, then send hate mail to their email account, available by clicking their PBay user ID. Then, mail several suspicious packages to their address. Fill these packages with animal feces, or explosives. We'll see if they leave negative feedback again...
Where can I buy and sell used illegal merchandise?
Try Yahoo! Auctions.
What is Half.com, pBay's fixed-price marketplace, where buyers purchase instantly and no bidding is required? Why couldn't I have just visited the site myself and found out that way?
Duh. Just check out the damn website.
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