These kids need to realize that living in the past means a doomed future. Like, when Jennifer Aniston wore that frumpy dress at last year's Emmy Awards -- she is doomed.

Why don't all you trenchcoat-wearing, discussion-board-posting, website-administering dork teens just grow up and learn to be more popular? Then maybe you wouldn't get upset when the football team flushes your head down the toilet, driving you to shoot them at lunch or study hall the next day.

Besides, it's so hard these days to find khakis that you can accessorize with a gun from the Gap.

Shed those trench coats and mullets for a new doo with perky pastels and sassy stripes. Open-toe is in, utility workboot is out.

Trade in that pistol for a Motorola Text Pager ($99.99 MSRP). Then at least you'll look like someone who's cool in school, saving you lives and years in the slammer being Big Tiny's "Special Friend."