March 8, 2001
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by Sally Kruger, 3rd grade
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Mommy, guess what I learned in school today? Well, first we learned some multiplication and then we made a paper mache volcano that really erupts! Mrs. Blanchard taught us how to write in cursive. And then we learned the primary and secondary colors in art. But the best part was science, because we learned about oceans and mammals. Mommy, did you know that we need to save the dolphins?
I know that I'm only in third grade, but there's so much bad stuff happening out in the oceans, mommy. Each year, thousands of dolphins, and other ugly sea life that Mrs. Blanchard said doesn't need to be saved as much, die from fishing boats and getting caught in nets. Others die because there is not enough food because of fishing. And then there's the whole group of em that are mad that Flipper got cancelled. Mrs. Blanchard said she joined this organization that collects money to save the dolphins. And it's only pennies a day. Three hundred ninety nine pennies, she said. That's not a lot, mommy, when you think of all the dolphins we'll save.
Mommy, did you know that dolphins and people are friends? Yep, it's true! Back in the days before Jesus, and even after that, dolphins would help lost ships and drowning people survive. They're also really cute and train easily at places like Sea World. Mrs. Blanchard said that they're not a lot of trouble, and I volunteered to save a dolphin and keep him in the pool. Isn't that a good idea, mommy? Mommy?
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by Dad
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Ethel, I've been working out in the yard all damn day to plant your flowers and tend the lawn! I'm breaking my back to landscape the freaking place. I've been waiting for over five minutes! Now where the hell is my damn tuna fish sandwich?
You know how much I love tuna. Mmm! Tuna! Mix it up with a little Miracle Whip, toss in some lettuce and relish, and wash it down with a Tab, so it's a low-fat meal. Now that's satisfaction! Maybe make it two, Edna. I'm pretty hungry!
I love the flaky texture seafood has, but I prefer the lucious tender vittles that are tuna fish morsels. Ah, the sound of that Star-Fish tuna can cracking under the pressure of the mechanical opening device. The gush of tuna-flavored oil as the lid pops off. The sound of tuna and mayo being spread on a piece of porous rye bread. I can almost taste it, Ester!
Which is why I am still wondering where the hell my tuna sandwich is! Get off the phone with your mother, and make my my shit-ass sandwich! Those things are so good! I need one immediately! Emma, get off the phone or I'll club you like a baby harp seal!
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